Looking back...

It’s been a year since my last post on this blog. Right now, sitting in the balcony on this beautiful Sunday evening, I wonder how I could possibly manage to stay away from writing for one whole year.

 It was a LONG year. Long and mostly painful. The pain was more on emotional and mental than on physical front. Things were changing so fast that I desperately wanted a break or a halt. THIS is not a halt. It’s more of a semi colon. Half of the sentence is complete and I am looking forward to the other half to get the complete picture. Sometimes it’s like a train, coming out of a tunnel towards you. You know that the train is coming, you can hear the sound, feel the vibrations of the beast. Yet, only when it comes out of the dark do you see what it exactly is. Sometimes it’s just the way you imagined it to be. Some other times, it’s totally different. I mean it’s still a train with compartments. But it’s definitely not what you imagined.

 Coming back to the year that went by, there was sorrow as well as joy. However as one of my once-best-friend used to put it, ’there was no sense of control’ in any of the situations. It is only when you grow up and are out in the world, do you realize what fate exactly is [I’d rather not use the word ‘luck’ as it is mostly used in positive connotation]

With so many things going out of proportions and so many out-of-order things falling into place, it was surreal.  Be it the project that turned out to be a total disaster OR the results of some of the examinations I appeared in, chaos was everywhere. There was I, a 24 year old (Now about the word ‘old’- today when a boy of around 12 referred to me as ‘uncle’ , I was shocked. It reminded me of the numerous ‘aunty mat kaho naa..’ gigs from Hum Paanch and made me feel like Pooja Aunty J. I blamed the comment on my big belly and small beard. Finally being fat paid out.  anyways ) who like his innumerable friends works in an IT company having absolutely no idea whatsoever about what the fuck he was (and still is) doing there.

 There were some great moments too. Some with family, rest with friends. Talking in the night over coffee on topics ranging from philosophy to books to classical music. Re-discovered some of the old friends and friendships which turned out to be fantastic.

 One year has passed and I am as clueless as I was before. Only people with whom I interact can tell if I have changed as a human being. There were moments when I realized how much I have hurt some people knowingly or unknowingly and how they still forgave me and it made me rethink about my behavior towards people in general. In the future, I will try to be more tolerant.

As far as the questions are concerned, as charu puts it, ‘the questions are not to be answered. The quest is to live and grow with them. The questions will answer themselves. Till then just hang in there’.

 With some unanswered prayers and letters, some unreciprocated friendship and love, some friends who no matter how far are from me are still closest to my heart, some when’s and some how’s , I walk  through the dark towards light.